Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Week 11: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

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SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Star Date:  Week 11
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Hello People who will never qualify for Kona,

We have an 80 miler this Sunday.  My testicles just shrank 3 cm just thinking about that.  I've got to start wearing a cup to the office more often ... but what are you going to do?  You're damn if you do.  You're damn if you don't.

We have another cat lady alert.  According to my sources (Sarah Swigart), AJ Morrison is the mother of all cat ladies.  Not sure what AJ did to Sarah for Sarah to send me a list of things that AJ does to garner this title.  For all of the single ladies out there.  If ANY of the below items pertain to you, there is no need to ask yourself why you're still single.

   1.  You grow living things in you office (plants, avocados, mice, etc)
   2.  You refer to any woman not wearing a bra as a skank
   3.  You wear a skirt/dress on top of another skirt/dress
   4.  You have a candle for every situation imaginable.  Break up with a boyfriend?  There is a candle for that.  Your ex has a hot new hoochie girlfriend?  There is a candle for that.  A Vietnamese coming over to your home?  Apparently there are 50 candles for that.
   5.  You knit
   6.  You have a friend named Sarah Swigart

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SPONSORED ATHLETE
===================

I am now officially a sponsored athlete.  My company is giving me some money to sponsor my Ironman Germany trip.  They are also matching dollar for dollar any additional funds that I raise.  If you love your mother, you will give me your money.  For contributions, visit the below url.

http://ironmangermanyfund.webs.com/apps/donations

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DC TRIATHLON VOLUNTEERS
=========================

Carrie Campbell, a DCTri member, is a volunteer coordinator at the DCTriathlon.  She needs your help.  She current zero bike marshals for the bike course for the DC Triathlon in June.  There will be a lot of women cyclists out there ... and you know how bad women are with directions.

Please drop Carrie an email if you can volunteer for the event.
Carrie Campbell <CarrieACampbell@gmail.com>;

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CUE SHEET
==================

We still meet at 8:00 AM this weekend.  However, we'll move to 7:00 AM starting in June.  For those who are about to bitch and whine about the new meeting time ... bite me!

80 Miler - Darnstown Rail Road Tracks
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http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/dc/washington/860124774813552902
R Wisconsin Ave (@~0.0)
L Reservoir Rd (@~1.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.7)
R Falls Rd (@~14.6)
L River Rd (@~16.6)
R Travilah Rd (@~21.7)
L Turkey Foot Rd (@~23.9)
  at Turkey Foot and Jones, straight on Jones (@~25)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~26.6)
R Dickerson Rd (@~39.2)

** turn around at the train tracks or gas station on your right hand side.  They are about 100 yards apart(@~40.5).  The train tracks are above you in the form of a bridge (i.e., not at street level)
Dickerson Rd
L Darnestown Rd (@~41.5)
R Beallsville Rd (Rte 109) (@~44)
R Fisher
quick L W.Willard Rd (@~46.4)
L River Rd (@~50.9)
  at Seneca intersection, R to stay on River (Rte 190) (@~56)
R Falls Rd (@~64.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~66.1)
L Reservoir Rd (@~77.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~78.4)
Home Base @80-ish

REST STOPS
------------
For the folks in my pace group and recommended for other pace groups:
Stop #1:  Gas station at mile 15
Stop #2:  Gas station at turnaround point (mile 40-ish)
Stop #3:  Gas station #1 above mile (64-ish)
Stop #4:  Base camp
More stops if requested along the way.

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SILVER SPRING EXPRESS TRAIN
============================

The Silver Spring Express Train has been infiltrated by the militant wing of the Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek.  I'm afraid the war is spreading.  I take full responsibility for that.  I thought the world was ending on May 21th.  As it turns out, the Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek was just screwing with me.  Don't those bastards know that I'm not a vegetarian?

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

The world did not end,
Tuan

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Week 10: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

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SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Star Date:  Week 10
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Hello Cat ladies,

I feel like I have done an extremely poor job of insulting women on our bike distro list this season.  It's time to turn the tide a little bit.  Did you know that there another cat lady on our bike distro list?  No, I'm not referring to Hillary Peasbody or Anna McGeehan who plaster their bathrooms with so many candles that no straight dude can feel comfortable entering it.  No, I'm not talking about Lauren Trocchio who only dates guys with one testicles.  We've already talked about those future cat ladies.

This week we shall talk about a CURRENT cat lady.  Meet Beth Durma, cat lady extraodinaire.  How do I know that she's a current lady?  What normal woman takes a picture of an avocado and post it on facebook every other day?  The worst part is, she thinks it's normal.  Why do people friend me on facebook and do things like this?  What have I done to piss off the gods?

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BIKE NAME
===========

I have decided to name my new bike.  You all shall now call it the Vomahawk.  It's named after the Tomahawk cruise missile, a destroyer with the radar signature of a bumble bee.  The Vomahawk on the other hand has a radar signature of a Vietnamese and powered by Vietnamese diesel.  If it can get off of the ground ... well, let's not talk hypothetical.

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PEASANT MAN PICTURES
=====================

Below is the text that I sent out to all PeasantMan athletes and volunteers.  For those who weren't there and would like to see those pictures, here is your chance.
---
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You call can now stop driving by my house at all hours of the day.  I get it.  You want to see PeasantMan pictures and you want to know where your sweater wearing dog is.  I can only grant you one wish ... below are the PeasantMan pictures.

You will notice that when you click on the URL, a page comes up that doesn't remotely look like pictures.  Your first reaction will be WTF!?!  It's the Nigerian Lottery all over again.  Fear not people.  Just create an account and you will have full access to all of the pictures.  By creating the account, you promised to follow Vietnamese copy rights law.  That is, download them free at will and give people the funny look when they mention the phrase "copy rights law."

There were about 2,000 pictures taken.  These include s/b/r pictures as well as all festivities pictures.  If you aren't in any of them, stop using spandex cloaking technology during a race.  The last URL below is a link to all of the 2,000 pictures.  The first 6 URLs are small subset samplings.
Pre-Race and Swim:    http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-prerace-swim

Swim exit:  http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-swim-exit

Bike / Run#1  http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-bike-run-1

Bike / Run#2:  http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-bike-run-2

Finish line#1:  http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-finish-line-1

Finish Line#2 and Post race: http://highcloud.ning.com/photo/albums/peasant-man-finish-line-2

Complete set: http://highcloud.ning.com/photo

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CUE SHEET
==================

Ride still starts at 8:00 AM.  The Ed Moser rule is still in effect.  If you show up at 8:01, the only person that you will see there is Ed Moser.

70 Miles - South Glenn
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http://www.mapmyride.com/route/us/dc/washington/396124943312596987
R Wisconsin (0.0)
L Resevoir Rd (@~0.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~1.5)
R Falls Rd (Rte 189) (@~12.6)
L S. Glen (@~15.4)
R Glen Mill Rd (@~17.1)
  R to stay on Glen Mill Rd at T(@~18.9)
  R to stay on Glen Mill Rd at T(@~19.8)
L Darnestown Rd. (Rte 28) (@~21.1)
L Beallsville Rd. (Rte 109) (@~36.3)
  becomes Elgin
R Fisher Ave (Rte 107) (@~38.7)
quick L W. Willard Rd.
L River Rd (@~43.2)
  R to stay on River (Rte 190) at Seneca (@~48.2)
R Falls Rd (@~56.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~58.3)
L Resevoir Rd (@~69.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~70.4)

REST STOPS
------------
For the folks in my pace group and recommended for other pace groups:
Stop #1:  Gas station at mile 15
Stop #2:  Gas station at Darnstown/Bealsville (mile 36-ish)
Stop #3:  Gas station #1 above mile (58-ish)
Stop #4:  Base camp

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SILVER SPRING EXPRESS TRAIN
============================

The Vomahawk will come out to play with the Silver Spring Express Train this Sunday.  Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek ... you're screwed.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

Tuan

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Week 9: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

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SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Star Date:  Week 9
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Hello Wonderful People,

I am in such a wonderful mood this morning.  PeasantMan was a blast, but last night my wonderful mail order bride from Vietnam arrived in the U.S. Oh man, what a wonderful feeling it is to be in love.  We've been emailing back and forth for the past several months.  I'm not going to lie to you people, I've salivated over her pics for quite awhile now.  I know that is sounds vain, but she's totally hot.  She's from a little village outside of the majestic city of Hue in the central highlands of Vietnam.  Only the purest and freshest of virgins are from that region of Vietnam.

I know that there are women reading this who are rolling their eyes and crossing their arms at this moment.  They're probably making judgmental side remarks about my method of obtaining a wife, but I don't care.  We're meant of one another.  Nothing can squash the love and joy that are in my heart at this moment.  I want to throw a special thank you out there to Mark Z for helping me pick her up from the airport last night.  I was a nervous wreck and full of emotions.  I doubt that I could have driven very far by myself.

Anyway, here are some pics of my new wife and I enjoying our first moments together.  Life is awesome!!
https://picasaweb.google.com/Tuan2u2/BikeRideSundays#slideshow/5604905028433523858

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CUE SHEET
==================

Ride still starts at 8:00 AM for all the public school educated people who can't remember our starting time for longer than a week.

--------------------
60 Miles Travilah
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http://www.mapmyride.com/ride/united-states/dc/washington/926124888526131286
R Wisconsin (0.0)
L Resevoir Rd (@~0.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.1)
R Falls Rd (@~12.6)
L River Rd (@~14.7)
R Travilah Rd (@~19.8)
   turn slight R to stay on Travilah at Turkey Foot intersection (@~22)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~25.2)
L Seneca Rd (Rte 112) (@~30.8)
   becomes River Rd (@~33.6)
stay on River Rd. until the Partnership Rd intersection (@35)
TURN AROUND
River Rd (112)
R on 190 to stay on River Rd (@~36.5)
R Falls Rd (@~44.5)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~46.5)
L Resevoir Rd (@~57.9)
R Wisconsin (@~58.6)
Home base @59.44

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SILVER SPRING EXPRESS TRAIN
============================

If it doesn't rain, my bride may join the Silver Spring Express Train this Sunday.  Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek ... your tormentor has just double in size.  Let's see you bastard throw a nut at me now.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

Vietnamese x2,
Tuan

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Week 8: Sunday Bike Ride With the Vertical Swimmer

No ride this Sunday due to the greatest vertical show on earch ... PeasantMan.  Below is the daily update that I just sent out to the PeasantMan folks.  It also has the PeasantMan athlete's guide, which is also a good read.


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Hi All,

The response to the Saturday night sacrificing of a virgin bonfire has been quite overwhelming.  Apparently we have quite a few people from the Ballston/Clarendon/Court House corridor who have never seen a virgin before so they wanted to take advantage of this opportunity.  How you people have yet to burn in hell is still beyond me.

We have 60+ people for the ceremony.  Back in 'Nam, do you know what they call a gathering of 60+ people at a campsite? Viet Congs.  This is quite a bit more people than we anticipated.  This means that some of you cheap ass people will definitely need to donate $5 to the cause or bring something to share with everyone.  We have a lot of vegetarians, but as we all know, there are no vegetarian dishes at a virgin sacrifice ceremony.  We want to keep the ceremony as authentic as possible.  This means that if you are a vegetarian that you will need to bring whatever it is that you people eat to the ceremony to share with your own kind.

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CAMPSITE
============

If you are going to Lake Anna on Friday, please let me know.  We have a person who has a campsite, but would like to be around more people.  You can share you campsite with that person, or that person can share with you.  Safety in numbers ....

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TIMING CHIP
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I have sent the final roster.  Whatever distance that you put on there during the registration is what your timing results will be based off of.  If you want to change it, you can do so at the timing chip table prior to the event.  If you are not planning to do all the disciplines in their entirely, please let the timing folks people know so that they don't rank you in the final results.  We don't want to see any 3 min/mile results in there.

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SWIM CLINIC
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We have a lot of folks signing up for the swim clinic.  If you are planing to stay for the night time festivities, please let me know.  I know that some will just drive straight back home afterward.  I want a good head count.

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ATHLETE'S GUIDE
=================

For those who've yet to check, the PeasantMan Athlete's Guide has been posted.  Please go to the middle of the page of the below URL for your copy
http://www.highcloud.org/peasantman

I have been getting a lot of emails asking me questions that are in the Athlete's Guide.  I poured my heart and sould into that document so please read it before asking me any questions.  If the answer that you are looking for is not in there, read it backward.

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TRANSITION AREA
=================

Just a reminder that children and pets are not allowed in the transition area.  Please leave them outside or chain little Britney up somewhere.  There are a lot of people in the transition area who are allergic to children.  They are called fear of commitment people.  They will break into convulsions if your little bundle of joy are within 5 feet of them.  Please keep the kids and the significant others outside of the transition area.  This is for safety reasons and respect for other athletes.  The transition area will be crowded enough as is without your love ones in there.

Pets are a bit more tricky.  I was born and raised in Vietnam.  We have a love/hate relationship with household pets.  Your little poochie coochie walking in front of me is like a Georgetown cupcake walking in front of Fat Albert.  Trust me, you don't want to tease the Gods like that ... so please keep them away from the transition area.

Tuan