Wednesday, March 13, 2013

2013 Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Will be sending this out to the Sunday bike ride list ... just vetting it out here first

Year #5 - Year of the Commoners
Star Date:  Week 0

Hello Commoners,

Not sure how it happened, but apparently some of you commoners have my email address in your possession.  I've been getting some stupid questions via email on a more frequent basis lately.  Again I say, thank you, Al Gore.  Next time trying inventing something other than the Internet.

Below are some questions and my responses to those emails.  

1.  Can you whack my neighbor for me?
>>> No!  I can't whack your neighbor for you.  WTF do I look like, a Cambodian?  Now, if you want me to pee on your neighbor's lawn ... well, you've come to the right place.  Unlike you lazy Americans, Vietnamese don't send our dogs to go do a real man's work.

2.  Where is a good place to get an authentic bowl of pho?  I heard that new place on Wilson Blvd is pretty good.
>>> You want an authentic bowl of pho, go to Saigon, not Clarendon. 

Tuan's litmus test on the authenticity of a pho restaurant:  if they give you hoisin sauce in anything other than a jar or squeeze bottle, walk out.  Case in point, Pho DC.  Walk out of that place before you walk in.  They have a Vietnamese salad there.  As a Vietnamese, let me give you my people's official response to such nonsense ... what the f**k is a Vietnamese salad?  Go to a restaurant in Da Nang, order up a "Vietnamese salad," and see what you get.  Pho DC mocks Vietnamese culture and cuisine.  It makes me want to pee on their front door, without such request.  Oh, serenity now, serenity now.

3.  I'm planning a vacation to Vietnam, where is a good place to visit?
>>> Well, stop reading Viet Cong propaganda tourist brochures, you freaken hippy!  If there exists such a thing as a "a good place to visit in Vietnam," do think that The Freshest Prince of Saigon would be living in Silver Spring?  You know what they told me when I was at the re-education camp when that question was asked?  They said, "you're looking at it.  Do you want to disagree?"  My initial thought was, "Yeah, I want to disagree."  Which brings up another important lesson in life ... never ever try to be the funny guy in a re-education camp.  Shit gets real, real fast.


Commoners, get your freaks on!  To all of you young single ladies in the Clarendon/Court House/Ballston areas, that means go normal for once.  A thong is not underware.  I'm getting freaken tired of spraying holy water on all of the seats on the Metro orange line.

The Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer is back.  This time, I ain't lying either.  First ride is Sunday, March 30, 2013.  The entire ride schedule is at the very bottom.  Those who are illiterate, just use the scroll down function and you'll eventually get there.

The ride starts and ends at the corner of Wisconsin and M Street in Georgetown.  Depending on the location of CIA drones, air temperature, and my emotional well-being, we will start at 7 or 8 AM.  I will send out start time, cue sheets, and other specifics every week to the email distro list.


From past experiences, the paces for this ride vary from week to week.  It depends on who shows up.  Generally speaking, the biggest group is in the 18-ish mph.  This is the average for the ride.  This means that on the flats the pace can be a bit spectacular.  On the hills, there will lots of tears shed, a few testicles lost.  Keep in mind that these averages are on roads with somewhat decent hills.  I've left parts of my soul on many of these hills.

We do have people who are in the 15 mph+ range.  We have had NTPers in the past who have come to ride with the group at the beginning, but drop off and ride for shorter distances.  We've also had people in the way north side 20+ mph.  Whatever your pace, fitness, or experience may be, just come out and ride with us.  It'll give you structure, a place to be, and triathletes to train with every Sundays.

We all start together, but the group will break into its natural paces once we leave DC.  The groups will stop occasionally to refuel and use the restrooms at various locations.  These locations will be specified in the cue sheets that I will send out.

This ride is a very welcoming ride.  We have folks of all levels and speeds who show up on any given Sunday.  Everyone will be loved.  No one will judge your full aero-kit.  Oh, who am I kidding.  If you show up in full aero-kit, of course we are going to judge your dumb ass.  Tri bikes, road bikes, tricycles, and unicycles are welcome.  I would say that most of the folks that show up to the rides are on tri bikes, some with fancy wheels.

We have a lot of folks doing IMLP this year.  I'm hoping that most of them will show up so that we have a wider range of speeds than in prior years.  Well, actually, I'm just hoping we have more females out there.  When I say females, I mean any dudes that do not mind pulling Vietnamese #1 on the bike.


I'm putting the ride format verbiage here so that there are no misconceptions about this ride.  This is a DROP ride.  This means that the no bitching, no crying, and no moaning policy is in effect. The group will splinter at many points.  The underlying message is, suck it up buttercup and catch up the group or pretend that you have an injury and fall back.

People will break up into their natural paces.  We have folks going from 14-22 mph, so the group WILL break up into subgroups as the ride progresses.  The implied understanding of this ride is that it's every man for himself.  Expect no one to wait for you.  Wait for no one.  Please bring the cue sheet.  That's why it's provided.  Hopefully we'll get enough pace ranges out there so that no one ever rides alone.

The only exception is, if you see me riding alone, please drop back to pull me.  That should go without saying, but I'll just say it because I know how some of you ingrates take great pleasures in dropping me.


To be part of this ride, just send me an email (number55555 at yahoo dot com) or post your email address in this thread.  Don't just say that you're "in."  I'm just a smuck in DCTri.  I have no way of retrieving your email address from your username.  Post an email address or email it to me.

I will add you to our distro list once I've received your expression of interest.  **Everyone** from the 2012 list need to resend me an email, or post below.  The 2012 email distro list will be destroyed after today.  We will start with a fresh 2013 version. 

By the way, have you heard of this race call PeasantMan?  We are going to have a 56-112 mile ride at Lake Anna on the Kinetic course the day before PeasantMan, so you might as well sign up for it.

PeasantMan Shameless plug:

PeasantMan info:

PeasantMan Registration URL:

March 31
Getting to know you ride
TBD: 30 - 47 miles

April 7
Getting to know more about you ride
TBD: 47 - 60 miles

April 14
I know too much about you already ride
**No ride: Boston Marathon Weekend**

Apr 21
60 miles

Apr 28
The Columbia Sterilization:
104 miles - 4x around the Columbia Tri bike route

May 04
PeasantMan Weekend - Lake Anna
Saturday ride: 56-112

May 12
60 miles

May 19
70 miles

May 26
80 miles

June 02
Whatever you want.  I will be out of town

June 09
Vietnamese Century
89 miles

June 16
70 miles
June 23
80 miles
June 30
Legit Century.  Well, not really.
100 miles
Jul 07
60 miles
Jul 14
70 miles
Jul 21
I'm out of town
80 miles
Jul 28
Ironman Vietnam - 117 miles

Aug 04
60 miles

Aug 11 -- Last ride of the season
30-45 miles

Aug 17 - Legit Ironman
Ironman Sweden.
2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run, brag for the rest of your life.

number55555 at yahoo dot com