The Vertical Swimmer is headed to the Boston Marathon! My slow freaken ass has been accepted for one of the BQ slots!
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
FREAKENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Race Report: Challenge Copenhagen - The Nutcracker Does Europe
I will eventually post it in the DCTri forum and elsewhere, but wanted to vetted here first. As always, it's best to insult people here before I insult the rest of the world :) Let me know if you've been insulted or offened by what is said.
============
PHOTO ALBUM
============
Here is the Iceland, Denmark, Challenge Copenhagen, and Sweden photo album of my entire trip. Maximize your browser for a better view. If the slideshow moves too fast, you can mouse over the pic and pause it.
https://picasaweb.google.com/Tuan2u2/ChallengeCopenhagen#slideshow/5778841439103124274
=======================================
Race Report:
Challenge Copenhagen: The Nutcracker Does Europe
=======================================
Race Report:
Challenge Copenhagen: The Nutcracker Does Europe
=======================================
=================
THE NUTCRACKER
=================
THE NUTCRACKER
=================
The Nutcracker is my bike. It's what I named it. It has an Adamo seat. For those who do not know what an Adamo seat is, below is a link to a picture of it. It has two prongs specifically designed to mercilessly crush a man's nut from all angles. You can try to bypass nutcracker technology, but you would most likely fail. Back in 'Nam, we call this the Vietnamese anti-theft system.
The sad part to all of this is that the Adamo didn't come with the bike. It's an aftermarket item that I actually purchased to specifically crush my own nuts. That's right. Vietnamese logic is a gift that keeps on giving.
The sad part to all of this is that the Adamo didn't come with the bike. It's an aftermarket item that I actually purchased to specifically crush my own nuts. That's right. Vietnamese logic is a gift that keeps on giving.
=============
BACKGROUND
=============
BACKGROUND
=============
Challenge Copenhagen is an Iron distance triathlon that takes place in Denmark. Swim 2.4 miles, bike 112, run 26.2, and walk like you have multiple STDs for the rest of your life. The race is part of the Danish Long Course Championship, with a 15-16 hour cutoff, depending on your swim wave. The race finishes in a courtyard of a castle. When you go to pick up your bike after the race, you go to another castle with a moat. How freaken cool is that?
Let me just stop here and give some props to the Danes. I've been to about 35 different countries in my life, I would rank the Danes as one of the top 2-3 friendliest people out there. Incredibly helpful and warm. In DC, if you hold out a map, the locals would yell, "get off the freaken street tourists!" In Denmark, they'd come by and make sure that you get to where you were going ... without you even asking. I can't say enough good things about them, the city, or the country.
The city of Copenhagen is a great city to visit if you ever get a chance to visit. I have never in my life seen so many beautiful women in one city. Every time that I thought that I saw a drop dead gorgeous woman walk by, there would be another one ... and another one. The only time that I've ever come across that kind of beauty is when I look in the mirror. Just stunning beauty and incredibly nice ... I mean my reflection. Well, Danish women too.
================
TUAN MANIFESTO
================
TUAN MANIFESTO
================
This race report is part of my race report manifesto. For those who have not read any of my previous race reports, but are aware of the flavor that I put in my writings, please visit the entire series to understand why I sometimes pee while sitting down in a room full cats.
The Manifesto
--------------
Chapter 1: Making Love to Buoys at the Luray Sprint
Chapter 2: Vietnamese Saigon Tango with a Naked Anna Kornakova at the IM Longhorn 70.3
Chapter 3: Plight of a Vertical Swimmer at the IM California 70.3
Chapter 4: Confessions of a Bike Pee-er at the IM Eagleman 70.3
Chapter 5: Ironman Florida - I Hear Voices (2009)
Chapter 6: Ironman Florida - Spirit of the Bricklayers (2010)
Chapter 7: Ironman Germany - What Happens When A Man's Nut Freezes?
Chapter 8: Marine Corps Marathon - The Orphans Shall Be Fed
Chapter 9: Challenge Copenhagen - The Nutcracker Does Europe
--------------
Chapter 1: Making Love to Buoys at the Luray Sprint
Chapter 2: Vietnamese Saigon Tango with a Naked Anna Kornakova at the IM Longhorn 70.3
Chapter 3: Plight of a Vertical Swimmer at the IM California 70.3
Chapter 4: Confessions of a Bike Pee-er at the IM Eagleman 70.3
Chapter 5: Ironman Florida - I Hear Voices (2009)
Chapter 6: Ironman Florida - Spirit of the Bricklayers (2010)
Chapter 7: Ironman Germany - What Happens When A Man's Nut Freezes?
Chapter 8: Marine Corps Marathon - The Orphans Shall Be Fed
Chapter 9: Challenge Copenhagen - The Nutcracker Does Europe
If this race report seems long to you then your nut is cracked beyond repair. Try wearing a cup next time. If you are single lady living in the Clarendon/Ballston/Court House areas, try wearing underwear for once. Repeat after me ... underrrrrwareee
===========
PRE-RACE
===========
PRE-RACE
===========
I came to Denmark with Ed M, Saguna H, and Dan A. Along the way we picked up an American expat/super Ironman stud living in Denmark (Adam W), who is a friend a DCTri chick with an extreme Asian fetish (Lisa Kilday). Adam came in second in his age group at the Danish short course championship.
Ed (swim), Adam (bike), and Saguna (run) made up the relay team while I did the entire show. Dan, Saguna's boy toy, was our sherpa. This was a vacation/race for us. Ed and I did Iceland, Denmark, and Sweden while Saguna and Dan did Germany, Denmark, and Spain. I believed Ed also went to visit his motherland, Iran, after everyone left Europe. Ed and Dan are two of the guys that you should always travel with. They know their European history and places of historic importance. It was like traveling with a tour guide and a history teacher.
Prior to the trip, we got some helpful race and local dinning advice from a 2x Ironman and fellow DCTri member, Kaj L. Kaj is a Danish military officer, living in DC, who did the race last year. I believed his advice to me was to not get naked in the coed changing tent. Apparently, Danish women don't like naked Vietnamese in the changing tents. It scares them, but I didn't come to Denmark with a G-string just for show. I came to represent America!
This was definitely my best overall experience of the 4 IMs that I've done. I'm not just talking about the race, but all the stuff surrounding it. For example, I did one of my pre-IM practice open water swim in a lagoon, heated by volcanoes ... in Iceland. It doesn't get any better than that.
Below is the pic of the lagoon that I swam in. Those black things that look like mountains and hills surrounding the logoon are volcanic ashes and rocks.
==============
BIKE RACKING
==============
BIKE RACKING
==============
The bike racking in T1 occurred along a man-made beach. Along this beach, near the transition area, are beautiful drop dead gorgeous Danish women sunbathing ... topless. It was as if I died and went to Vietnamese heaven ... you know, the one that has Pho for dinner every night of the week served by topless Danish women. Yep, that one.
Anyway, you go to rack your bike and you are confronted with Euro bike racks that you have no idea what to make of. You want to take pictures, but you are afraid of getting arrested on foreign soil. What other race out there has that kind of transition set up!?
=======
SWIM
=======
SWIM
=======
The swim was a wave start, which was a bit of a disappointment for me. To me, the essence of Iron distance racing is throwing 2,000-3,000 people in the same open water and let them beat the crap out each other. It doesn't matter if you are a 70 year old church going grandmother, you get an elbow in the face and a foot in the mouth if you were in somebody's way. That's the beauty of Iron distance racing ... everybody treats you like you're a Vietnamese.
The swim took place in brackish ocean water off the coast of Denmark. It was a beach start, taking place in a protected cove. You'd swim straight out into the Baltic Sea toward Sweden, make a quick left in the middle of freaken nowhere, another quick left in the middle of another freaken nowhere, and then head back toward land. Somewhere along the swim, you pray that you don't get picked off by Somali pirates or taken as a sex slave by Danish Mermaids.
The water temp was a bit cool to start (65-ish), but was perfect once you've warmed up. It was probably one of the most scenic swim I've ever been in. On an out and back swim, you'd swim under two bridges going out toward the North Pole and three bridges coming back. I'm not sure how that happened other than the fact that I was so slow that they built another freaken bridge while I was still at sea.
You had spectators lined up on all of the low hanging bridges cheering you on as you swam underneath. Each bridge had a gigantic sign showing the meter marker that you were at. There were very few buoys on the course, but you really didn't need any. You just aim for the bridges and away from the Somali pirate ships and you'd be ok. They also had scuba divers out on the course, which scared the shit out of me. I didn't know if those bubbles were coming from scuba divers or Danish Mermaids cruising for a good looking Vietnamese sex slave.
Below is a pic of what the swim looked like from on top of one of the bridges. The pic was taken by Saguna. It's a beautiful pic showing what swimming in the open water is like and what vast distance a 2.4 miles swim actually is. You can't even see the start line over in the horizon in the pic ... scary image for a non-swimmer.
This was my first 2.4 miles of continuous swim of any kind. I've never even done it in a pool. I'd figure that in a man's lifetime, he only has x number of 2.4 miles swim in him before he drowns. Why waste it in a pool where someone can find your body?
My other three Ironmans had been two loop swims where you get out of the water, cross a timing matt, vasaline your nipples, and jump back in. It was a frightening to be out there that long. I mean, how the heck do you prevent nipple chaffing if you can't take a break in the middle of a swim?
Being out there for hours like that, a lot of things go through a man's head. I was like, "what kind of dumb ass swims out into the middle of the Baltic Sea without a cuesheet and a compass!?" After awhile, I would realized that I was that dumb ass. The mental strain was great. The only thing that pulled me through was my royal pedigree.
When I say royal pedigree, I meant the ability to walk on water. There were a few stretches during the swim that the water level was low enough (chest high) for me to walk. I gave some thoughts to manning up and swimming the whole thing, but then the vertical swimmer in me took over. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of my aqua walking skills.
There was point at the last turnaround buoy where my hamstring cramped. The pain was so intense that I couldn't even swim. I pulled up to look for a kayaker for help, but none was around. I resorted to what I do best. I floated on my back and played dead, as a mechanism for recovery. Luckily, my playing dead was only an act. It took about 15 seconds of intense praying before it went away. I then just slowly swam the last 300 meters toward the swim exit.
By the time that I got out of the water, I was too distraught to figure out what my swim time was. I was filled with tears and other female emotions. I swear to you that I thought that it was somewhere in the 2-hour range. I did a lot ... a lot of walking during the swim. It wasn't until later, when I meet Ed biking around the run course, that I found out what my swim time was. Ed told me that I was somewhere near 1:30. I thought that he was lying to me. In the vertical swimming scene, that's Michael Phelp's territory.
I ended up going 1:28, which was a 12-13 minutes swim PR. Not bad for a vertical swimmer. Pretty incredible, actually, since I had spent less time in the pool than in all of my prior IMs. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that lots of you bastards are peeing at the Wilson pool. That kind of thing distracts me and gives me the false impression of how awesome my swim stroke is. I curse at you all. May your children not be potty trained until they're 20.
========
T-1
========
T-1
========
Good 'ol European transition tents ... coed. Need I say more? I think that I saw Ed, who was doing the relay, sitting in T-1 with a cigar, Hugh Hefner bathrobe, and a lawn chair in the corner observing this European phenomenon after he completed his swim. If you look him up, I think his T-1 time was 16 hours.
P.S. The next time that you see Ed, ask him to show you all of the pics that he took in T-3. Do the stuff in some of those pics in 'Nam and they'd canned your ass to Cambodia.
======
BIKE
======
BIKE
======
Coming out of the swim, I was greeted by the Nutcracker. It was like coming out of a bar holding hands with a girl, only to be confronted by your wife. In your mind, you see a threesome developing. In reality, you know it ain't going to end well. You can try to wear a cup to defend your boys, but there is really no defense for Nutcracker technology. You just gotta either man up or beg for forgiveness. I ain't stupid. I begged for forgiveness and off we went on the 112 mile journey.
The Nutcracker was angry, but I was focus on the task at hand. The nutrition plan was gel every 35 minutes, electrolyte pills every hour, Infinit for extra calories and hydration, eggroll and fish sauce at the 56 mile mark, and Pho at mile 100. You can take the man out of Saigon, but you can't take Saigon out of the man.
The bike was a two loop lollipop course. The stick of the lollipop was a fast and flat 12 mile ride out of Copenhagen toward the country side. I think that I was holding 22-23 mph without much issues. After that ... lord have mercy on us all.
It was one of the most technical course that I've ever done. Lots of 90 degrees turns and winding/twisting roads. I saw a guy in full aero gear and disc wheel go down about 5 miles into the race near one of the hard turns. It was then that decided that I wasn't going to try to be a better man than he was. I was going to get out of aero at anything that looked like a turn or a twist. The Tuanman wasn't about to prove that he can fracture the only good clavicle he has left on foreign soil.
We had some bitching and relentless rolling hills for about 70 miles of the ride, with a few climbs to top things off. There weren't any major climbs, but those rollers just test the strength of your nuts, in the aero position. Kaj had told me ahead of time that the bike course was extremely flat and fast. Let me state for the record that
A. Kaj is a liar
B. A European's definition of flat and fast is not the same as a Vietnamese's definition of flat and fast.
A. Kaj is a liar
B. A European's definition of flat and fast is not the same as a Vietnamese's definition of flat and fast.
The wind was also a major factor for me. It was just head wind galore. I've paid my dues on the hills of Poolsville. I can handle hills. I've ridden Hains Point for a few thousand miles. I know wind, but wind and hills for 112 miles does take its toll on you. If I weren't such a talented and good looking guy, I wouldn't be here today to tell you all of this. Have I mentioned yet that I like to bitch and moan? For all we know, the bike ride was a 112 miles of no wind or hills and I just get off on bitching and moaning about anything and everything ... such as the life of Vietnamese Royalty.
During the first loop, I reached an intersection of a quick right and quick left. The police officer standing there held his hands out in two different directions. I chose one and kept going. About a mile later, I noticed that there were no one in front of me. I looked behind me and noticed that there were no one behind me. I was too stubborn to admit that I **may** have made the wrong turn and veered off course. About 1/2 mile later, I came across a local Danish cyclist and asked him where the race was. He pointed in the opposite direction. Yep, I was that dumb ass that managed to ride off course during an Ironman.
The cyclist waved his hand toward his wheels, told me to ride behind him, and he would pull me back to the course. This is why I love the Danes. Their men not only do not mind you sucking on their wheels, but they encourage it. Their women, as you already know, hang out topless near the transition area. What a wonderful group of people.
Anyway, the cyclist pulled me back to the original intersection where I went off course. I shook his hand and said "thank you!" Today, he's probably telling all his friends that he ran across some dumb ass Vietnamese who veered off course during the Ironman. We shall not speak of this misdeed again!
Bike time: 5:59 ... why go 6:00, when you can go 5:59.
======
T-2
======
T-2
======
Good 'ol Saguna and the coed T-2 tent. I'm not sure how long she was in there when I got there, but she seemed to be having a time of her life in there. I had to remind her that she wasn't a volunteer and that helping a Euro dude disrobe wasn't really necessary. Ed, of course, somehow made his way from T-1 to T-2. Words on the street is that he's still there taking pictures.
======
RUN
======
RUN
======
Prior to the race, we were notified that there would be 30 (not a misprint, 30), timing stations out on the s/b/r course. There were so many freaken timing stations out there that you couldn't even urinate without getting a timing split. You'd go into a port-a john and when you'd come out, there would be a dude standing there with a stopwatch telling you your splits.
These European races are like freak shows. I didn't even feel like pulling down my shorts when I was in some of those port-a johns. The pressure to produce a fast port-a john split was tremendous, no wonder people pee on the bike. However, like they teach you back at the Ho Chi Minh Daycare Center ... shake it once and leave. No need to stress the little fella. Again, Vietnam ... the gift that keeps on giving.
When I got off of the bike, I had absolutely nothing left. That bike ride of neither wind nor hills just broke me. I just kept singing that song in my head over and over again. You know, the one that goes "you're sexy and you know it!" There is sexy and there is tired sexy. I was damn tired sexy, but sexy nevertheless.
I could barely breath the first 2-3 miles of the run. Everything hurt, but sexy had to keep his feet moving. I just kept telling myself that sexy didn't get up at 4:30 AM every morning to train just to walk the IM marathon. I just tried to keep one foot in front of the other and slugged away.
The run course was just packed with spectators. I've never seen such support throughout the run at any triathlons that I've ever done. They were enthusiastic in their support. Each one of our bibs had the flag of our country. I heard "Go USA!" quite often as I passed spectators. It was a beautiful run course. You run through the city of Copenhagen as well as along the river. Below is a picture of it.
After the bike ride, I had given up all hope of attaining any kind of decent time. The run was just an exercise of how to suck in air without feeling pain. At about mile 24, Ed came by on his bike and told me that Athlete Tracker had predicted that I would be 30 seconds over 12 hours at my current run pace. I'm not sure why he would play with my emotions like that. I was perfectly content at my current pace. He then proceeded to mock me by telling me to suck on his wheels. I've never wanted to bitch slap someone so bad in my life, but breathing took precedence.
I just sucked it up and ran as fast as I could for those last 2 miles. I probably passed about 30 people in that stretch. As I approached the finish line, I looked up at the clock. It showed that I was about 4 minutes under 12 hours. The only thought that was in my mind at that moment was "BASTARD!" I had swallowed about a liter of my own vomit trying run as fast as I could to make it under 12 hours, but as it turned out, I could have run 2 min/mile slower and still would have made it. Ed Moser made me swallow my own vomit for no good apparent reasons other than for his own amusement ... bastard!
Run time: 4:15
============
FINISH
============
FINISH
============
My final time was 11:56:40. I PRed by 1 minute. Not too bad considering I went off course on the bike, cramped during the swim, and bitch and whined like a Redskins' fan during the run.
I've done a bunch of half IMs and have never broken or come close to the 6 hour barrier. This was the second time that I've broken 12 hours at an IM. I'm going to have to reevaluate that Vietnamese half Ironman training plan. Perhaps that plan has me swimming too much. Or, perhaps I need to institute more aqua walking during the swim leg of my half Ironmans.
You want to hear something else? My IM swim split is faster than my fastest Sprint swim split. My fastest IM bike split is also faster than my fastest Sprint bike split. No, I don't know what the f**k is wrong with me.
============
PHOTO ALBUM
============
Here is the Iceland, Denmark, Challenge Copenhagen, and Sweden photo album of my entire trip. Maximize your browser for a better view. If the slideshow moves too fast, you can mouse over the pic and pause it.
https://picasaweb.google.com/Tuan2u2/ChallengeCopenhagen#slideshow/5778841439103124274
Tuan, I'm sexy and I know it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
We're Back!
===========================================
SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Year #4 - Return of the Ingrates
Star Date: Week 0
===========================================
Ingrates,
The Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer is back.
Don't ask any stupid questions.
Don't be a smartass.
And, if you are single living in the Clarendon/Ballston/Court House area, don't be anywhere near holy water. You have been warned!
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "it's about damn time!" Well ingrates, BITE ME!
Same rules as last year. On any given Sunday, you will come and you will pull me. Don't give me the finger. Don't speak underneath your breath. Don't give me the stare of death. It won't do you any good. I have no shame. If your grandmother was out there, I'd suck on her wheels just as hard as I'd suck on yours. Resistance is futile! Accept your fate and we will co-exist just fine. Bitch and whine and it'll just make me want to suck on your wheels even more ... references available upon request.
=============
FIRST RIDE
=============
The first ride shall begin on Sunday April 8, 2012. The last shall be Sunday August 04, 2012. The rest of the schedule are posted at the bottom of this post. This is subject to change. The most up to date schedule will always be in the weekly emails that I send out.
As always, we will commence at 7 AM at the corner of M and Wisconsin in GTown. There is free parking all of GTown on Sundays. More details about the first ride will come in the weekly email, so don't send me emails asking me stupid questions. Don't make me sprinkle holy water on you!
For those who are unfamiliar with this world renowned ride with the Freshest Prince of Saigon, this is a FREE triathlete ride that does not discriminate on the type of bikes you have. Bring your tricycle if you want. We only have two rules on this ride:
1. wear a helmet
2. wear a cup
These **ARE** dropped rides. This means that we are not going to be holding hands and sing kumbya while waiting for the group to gather before proceeding. If you show up, make sure that you find a good group of people to hang with within our group. You do not have to go the entire distance with the group. Go the distance that you are comfortable with and turn back. The rides will encounter lots of hills. You may even be sterile before the first ride is over, so again, please wear a cup.
The mileage varies from week to week, but we will be in the 60-120 mile range. All cue sheets will be provide free of charge ... because I care. I'm a care-er! The world needs more people like me and less people like you.
========
PACES
========
From past experiences, the paces for this ride varies from week to week. It depends on who shows up. Generally speaking, the biggest group is in the 17-19ish mph. This is the average for the ride. This means that on the flats the pace can be a bit spectacular. On the hills, there will lots of tears shed. Keep in mind that these averages are on roads with pretty decent hills. I've left parts of my soul on many of these hills.
We do have people who are in the 15 mph+ range. We have had NTPers in the past who have come to ride with the group at the beginning, but drop off and ride for shorter distances. We've also had people in the way north side 20+ mph.
We all start together, but the group will break into its natural paces once we leave DC. The groups will stop occasional to refuel and use the restrooms at various locations. These locations will be specified in the cue sheets that I will send out.
This ride is a very welcoming ride. We have folks of all levels and speeds who show up on any given Sunday. Everyone will be loved. No one will judge your full aero-kit. Oh, who am I kidding. If you show up in full aero-kit, of course we are going to judge your dumb ass.
==========
SIGN UP
==========
To be part of this ride, just send me an email or post below. I will add you to our distro list. **Everyone** from the 2011 list need to resend me an email. The 2011 email distro list will be destroyed after today. If you are new, please drop me an email expressing interests or simply post below.
By the way, have you heard of this race call PeasantMan? We are going to have a 56-112 mile ride at Lake Anna on the Kinetic course the day before PeasantMan, so you might as well sign up for it.
Now back to what I do best ... Amazon.com on billable hours.
Tuan
number55555@yahoo.com
====================
THE ENTIRE SCHEDULE
====================
Although the first ride officially begins April 8, I may feel generous and have a Vietnamese only ride on April 1. Weather and how generous I feel will be the deciding factor.
Apr 08
60 miles
Apr 15
70 miles
Apr 22
80 miles
Apr 28 (Saturday) - Columbia BricNic
1-4 Loops
25-100 miles
May 05 - PeasantMan Century
1-2x Kinetic bike course
56-112 miles
May 13
60 miles
May 20
80 miles
May 27
100 miles
June 03
60 miles
June 10
70 miles
June 17
80 miles
June 24
100 miles
Jul 01
60 miles
Jul 08
70 miles
Jul 15
80 miles
Jul 22
Ironman Vietnam
112+ miles
Jul 29
60 miles
Aug 05 -- Last ride of the season
45 miles
SUNDAY BIKE RIDE WITH THE VERTICAL SWIMMER
Year #4 - Return of the Ingrates
Star Date: Week 0
===========================================
Ingrates,
The Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer is back.
Don't ask any stupid questions.
Don't be a smartass.
And, if you are single living in the Clarendon/Ballston/Court House area, don't be anywhere near holy water. You have been warned!
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "it's about damn time!" Well ingrates, BITE ME!
Same rules as last year. On any given Sunday, you will come and you will pull me. Don't give me the finger. Don't speak underneath your breath. Don't give me the stare of death. It won't do you any good. I have no shame. If your grandmother was out there, I'd suck on her wheels just as hard as I'd suck on yours. Resistance is futile! Accept your fate and we will co-exist just fine. Bitch and whine and it'll just make me want to suck on your wheels even more ... references available upon request.
=============
FIRST RIDE
=============
The first ride shall begin on Sunday April 8, 2012. The last shall be Sunday August 04, 2012. The rest of the schedule are posted at the bottom of this post. This is subject to change. The most up to date schedule will always be in the weekly emails that I send out.
As always, we will commence at 7 AM at the corner of M and Wisconsin in GTown. There is free parking all of GTown on Sundays. More details about the first ride will come in the weekly email, so don't send me emails asking me stupid questions. Don't make me sprinkle holy water on you!
For those who are unfamiliar with this world renowned ride with the Freshest Prince of Saigon, this is a FREE triathlete ride that does not discriminate on the type of bikes you have. Bring your tricycle if you want. We only have two rules on this ride:
1. wear a helmet
2. wear a cup
These **ARE** dropped rides. This means that we are not going to be holding hands and sing kumbya while waiting for the group to gather before proceeding. If you show up, make sure that you find a good group of people to hang with within our group. You do not have to go the entire distance with the group. Go the distance that you are comfortable with and turn back. The rides will encounter lots of hills. You may even be sterile before the first ride is over, so again, please wear a cup.
The mileage varies from week to week, but we will be in the 60-120 mile range. All cue sheets will be provide free of charge ... because I care. I'm a care-er! The world needs more people like me and less people like you.
========
PACES
========
From past experiences, the paces for this ride varies from week to week. It depends on who shows up. Generally speaking, the biggest group is in the 17-19ish mph. This is the average for the ride. This means that on the flats the pace can be a bit spectacular. On the hills, there will lots of tears shed. Keep in mind that these averages are on roads with pretty decent hills. I've left parts of my soul on many of these hills.
We do have people who are in the 15 mph+ range. We have had NTPers in the past who have come to ride with the group at the beginning, but drop off and ride for shorter distances. We've also had people in the way north side 20+ mph.
We all start together, but the group will break into its natural paces once we leave DC. The groups will stop occasional to refuel and use the restrooms at various locations. These locations will be specified in the cue sheets that I will send out.
This ride is a very welcoming ride. We have folks of all levels and speeds who show up on any given Sunday. Everyone will be loved. No one will judge your full aero-kit. Oh, who am I kidding. If you show up in full aero-kit, of course we are going to judge your dumb ass.
==========
SIGN UP
==========
To be part of this ride, just send me an email or post below. I will add you to our distro list. **Everyone** from the 2011 list need to resend me an email. The 2011 email distro list will be destroyed after today. If you are new, please drop me an email expressing interests or simply post below.
By the way, have you heard of this race call PeasantMan? We are going to have a 56-112 mile ride at Lake Anna on the Kinetic course the day before PeasantMan, so you might as well sign up for it.
Now back to what I do best ... Amazon.com on billable hours.
Tuan
number55555@yahoo.com
====================
THE ENTIRE SCHEDULE
====================
Although the first ride officially begins April 8, I may feel generous and have a Vietnamese only ride on April 1. Weather and how generous I feel will be the deciding factor.
Apr 08
60 miles
Apr 15
70 miles
Apr 22
80 miles
Apr 28 (Saturday) - Columbia BricNic
1-4 Loops
25-100 miles
May 05 - PeasantMan Century
1-2x Kinetic bike course
56-112 miles
May 13
60 miles
May 20
80 miles
May 27
100 miles
June 03
60 miles
June 10
70 miles
June 17
80 miles
June 24
100 miles
Jul 01
60 miles
Jul 08
70 miles
Jul 15
80 miles
Jul 22
Ironman Vietnam
112+ miles
Jul 29
60 miles
Aug 05 -- Last ride of the season
45 miles
Thursday, March 8, 2012
PeasantMan News
=====================================
PEASANTMAN
http://www.highcloud.org/peasantman
http://www.facebook.com/peasantman
=====================================
Hello Simple Minded People,
The most sterile Vietnamese in America here with another riveting message for you during billable hours. When I say sterile, I don't mean in a physical sense, that would be just plain wrong. I mean sterile in a metaphoric sense. To all of the young ladies out there, I'm sterile metaphorically. Physically, two of my boys are prosthetic while the other three are fully operational. Good 'ol Agent Orange. Thank you America and your contribution to Vietnam ... but enough with the pleasantries.
For the third year running, PeasantMan has sold out. On behalf of this entire planet and Uranus, I would like to express our sincere gratitude to everyone who has signed to support the High Cloud Foundation via PeasantMan. My original plan of sprinkling holy water on you in T1 will now need to be altered. Don't thank me. Thank humanity. I often go into deep thoughts during billable hours about my greatest failing ... that I'm generous to a fault. Yes, it does hurt sometimes to be this humble.
===========================
COMMUNITY FOUNDATION SLOT
===========================
To meet the higher than expected demand for this event, we have set up the High Cloud Foundation Community slots ala the Ironman. Did we steal this idea from the Ironman folks? Of course not. How can one possibly steal an idea? That's like stealing air.
Anyway, we've open up a limited number of community foundation slots. These slots are the normal priced slots + $10. If you want to do PeasantMan this year, sign up quickly or they will be gone. Once they are gone, they are gone ... kind of like an idea.
The community foundation registration link can be found at http://www.highcloud.org/PeasantMan.
Also, to see more of the great work that we do locally and globally to help communities in need, please visit our High Cloud Ning Site at: http://highcloud.ning.com/. Thanks so much for participating in High Cloud's races and events! It really makes a big difference -- for instance, we just had a mini-5k for the kids in South America and gave them the IronMan and Marathon medals that many people donated. Also in the past month, we successfully established a bakery micro-finance program for single mothers who have been displaced by violence and natural disasters. Very meaningful. Now these women are self-sufficient and can support their kids. So have no doubt that being part of the PeasantMan experience, you are making a huge impact!
=============
VOLUNTEER
=============
Ever wonder what it's like to be a Vietnamese for a day? No, opening a dry cleaning business just makes you Korean. No, stuffing money under the mattress just makes you a ghetto Viet Cong. To be a Vietnamese for a day, just volunteer at PeasantMan.
Better yet, volunteer your significant other and children. Don't forget the children! They are our future, so work their asses off. You know that they'll send you to the nursing home at their first opportunity. Worse, they'll want to go to a small private liberal arts college and suck your retirement funds dry. Instead of fine dining at some fancy smancy restaurant during your retirement years, you'll be fine dinning at the local IHOP with a Vietnamese who thinks he's royalty. Now is the time to get your licks in.
Please send our volunteer coordinator, Becky, an email (becky@highcloud.org) if you can help out. Or better yet, complete this survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RKP6PHW to tell her what types of volunteer activity you would be interested in.
Tuan, I'm so generous that it hurts.
PEASANTMAN
http://www.highcloud.org/peasantman
http://www.facebook.com/peasantman
=====================================
Hello Simple Minded People,
The most sterile Vietnamese in America here with another riveting message for you during billable hours. When I say sterile, I don't mean in a physical sense, that would be just plain wrong. I mean sterile in a metaphoric sense. To all of the young ladies out there, I'm sterile metaphorically. Physically, two of my boys are prosthetic while the other three are fully operational. Good 'ol Agent Orange. Thank you America and your contribution to Vietnam ... but enough with the pleasantries.
For the third year running, PeasantMan has sold out. On behalf of this entire planet and Uranus, I would like to express our sincere gratitude to everyone who has signed to support the High Cloud Foundation via PeasantMan. My original plan of sprinkling holy water on you in T1 will now need to be altered. Don't thank me. Thank humanity. I often go into deep thoughts during billable hours about my greatest failing ... that I'm generous to a fault. Yes, it does hurt sometimes to be this humble.
===========================
COMMUNITY FOUNDATION SLOT
===========================
To meet the higher than expected demand for this event, we have set up the High Cloud Foundation Community slots ala the Ironman. Did we steal this idea from the Ironman folks? Of course not. How can one possibly steal an idea? That's like stealing air.
Anyway, we've open up a limited number of community foundation slots. These slots are the normal priced slots + $10. If you want to do PeasantMan this year, sign up quickly or they will be gone. Once they are gone, they are gone ... kind of like an idea.
The community foundation registration link can be found at http://www.highcloud.org/PeasantMan.
Also, to see more of the great work that we do locally and globally to help communities in need, please visit our High Cloud Ning Site at: http://highcloud.ning.com/. Thanks so much for participating in High Cloud's races and events! It really makes a big difference -- for instance, we just had a mini-5k for the kids in South America and gave them the IronMan and Marathon medals that many people donated. Also in the past month, we successfully established a bakery micro-finance program for single mothers who have been displaced by violence and natural disasters. Very meaningful. Now these women are self-sufficient and can support their kids. So have no doubt that being part of the PeasantMan experience, you are making a huge impact!
=============
VOLUNTEER
=============
Ever wonder what it's like to be a Vietnamese for a day? No, opening a dry cleaning business just makes you Korean. No, stuffing money under the mattress just makes you a ghetto Viet Cong. To be a Vietnamese for a day, just volunteer at PeasantMan.
Better yet, volunteer your significant other and children. Don't forget the children! They are our future, so work their asses off. You know that they'll send you to the nursing home at their first opportunity. Worse, they'll want to go to a small private liberal arts college and suck your retirement funds dry. Instead of fine dining at some fancy smancy restaurant during your retirement years, you'll be fine dinning at the local IHOP with a Vietnamese who thinks he's royalty. Now is the time to get your licks in.
Please send our volunteer coordinator, Becky, an email (becky@highcloud.org) if you can help out. Or better yet, complete this survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RKP6PHW to tell her what types of volunteer activity you would be interested in.
Tuan, I'm so generous that it hurts.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The Return of PeasantMan
This is a rough draft of an email that I plan to send out the PeasantMan distro list. I'm putting here first to see if anyone gets insulted by what is said. If there are then I may revise it. Let me know if it's a bit out of line.
----------------------------------------------
Hello Peasant Class Citizens,
Vietnamese Royalty here during billable hours to brighten your pitiful little lives today. Don't thank me, just work harder.
How's life as an every day commoner out in the rice paddies these days? I'd come out there to visit you, but it's been a tad chilly this winter. I hope you understand. Life in the big castle isn't as glamorous as many in the communist media would lead you to believe. I sleep, eat, and occasionally have to wear a sweater ... but it is what it is. It could be worse. I could be a peasant working for the man.
Anyway, I just wanted to drop you all a note to tell you that the Support Tuan Daily (STD) Movement for a Greater America have set a date for PeasantMan 2012. It will be on the week prior to Mother's Day. Please put it on your calendar. For all of the mother haters out there ... that's Sunday May 6, 2012. It will once again be at Lake Anna, Va. I will follow up with an email in a few weeks to tell you when registration opens. If you have any questions in the meantime, please feel free to drop me an email ... but I reserved the rights to just ignore you. In other words, don't fill my inbox with stupid stuff. I'm on billable hours ... in theory.
We've also gone high tech this year. Why don't you visit our Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/PeasantMan) and click the "like" button. Put some positive comments about your experiences from last year on our wall so that future Peasants can get a flavor about our event. We will be randomly giving away prizes this year to all those who have "liked" our page. Yours truly will try to entertain you by posting his observations of the Peasant population on the Facebook page. All of the greatest and latest info will be on there. This event sold out last year within 24 hours, so we will give our Facebook fans a head start on the registration process.
I would also appreciate a bit of input from you guys. Last year we gave out free PeasantMan pint glasses to all those in attendance. The PeasantMan Council For No Equality would like to know what you would like as your free swag this year. Below are a few ideas that we are discussing among ourselves.
A. Collectible Tuan Bobble Head Doll
B. PeasantMan Wine Glass
C. PeasantMan Vibrator
We recognize that the American women among us already have one of the above items. Thus, we need more options. Please don't send me stupid ideas. Our committee to handle stupid ideas have yet to reconvene.
Tuan,
Chairman, Committee to Handle YOUR Dumb Ass Ideas
number55555@yahoo.com
----------------------------------------------
Hello Peasant Class Citizens,
Vietnamese Royalty here during billable hours to brighten your pitiful little lives today. Don't thank me, just work harder.
How's life as an every day commoner out in the rice paddies these days? I'd come out there to visit you, but it's been a tad chilly this winter. I hope you understand. Life in the big castle isn't as glamorous as many in the communist media would lead you to believe. I sleep, eat, and occasionally have to wear a sweater ... but it is what it is. It could be worse. I could be a peasant working for the man.
Anyway, I just wanted to drop you all a note to tell you that the Support Tuan Daily (STD) Movement for a Greater America have set a date for PeasantMan 2012. It will be on the week prior to Mother's Day. Please put it on your calendar. For all of the mother haters out there ... that's Sunday May 6, 2012. It will once again be at Lake Anna, Va. I will follow up with an email in a few weeks to tell you when registration opens. If you have any questions in the meantime, please feel free to drop me an email ... but I reserved the rights to just ignore you. In other words, don't fill my inbox with stupid stuff. I'm on billable hours ... in theory.
We've also gone high tech this year. Why don't you visit our Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/PeasantMan) and click the "like" button. Put some positive comments about your experiences from last year on our wall so that future Peasants can get a flavor about our event. We will be randomly giving away prizes this year to all those who have "liked" our page. Yours truly will try to entertain you by posting his observations of the Peasant population on the Facebook page. All of the greatest and latest info will be on there. This event sold out last year within 24 hours, so we will give our Facebook fans a head start on the registration process.
I would also appreciate a bit of input from you guys. Last year we gave out free PeasantMan pint glasses to all those in attendance. The PeasantMan Council For No Equality would like to know what you would like as your free swag this year. Below are a few ideas that we are discussing among ourselves.
A. Collectible Tuan Bobble Head Doll
B. PeasantMan Wine Glass
C. PeasantMan Vibrator
We recognize that the American women among us already have one of the above items. Thus, we need more options. Please don't send me stupid ideas. Our committee to handle stupid ideas have yet to reconvene.
Tuan,
Chairman, Committee to Handle YOUR Dumb Ass Ideas
number55555@yahoo.com
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