Wednesday, April 6, 2011

2011 Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer Week 4

Star Date:  Week 4

Hello Deceitful,

Where was everyone this past Sunday?  The weather dips below 70s and all of a sudden everyone becomes a wuss?  Is it too cold for you to bike in this weather?  Perhaps we bike a bit too early in the morning for you?  Would you like for me to walk into the local Giant supermarket and buy you a box of tampons with extra wide wings?  Don't worry, I'll just walk up and ask the 16 year old store clerk where I can find such an item.

You think I enjoyed spending three hours after every ride trying to thaw out the only good testicle that I have left?  First agent orange, then Jane Fonda, now this?  Why does God hate Vietnamese men?  Seinfeld only told you half of the story.  Those thing(s) not only shrink, but they freeze and take hours to thaw.  Women are so lucky.  All they have to deal with is a few hours of childbirth.  We deal with this stuff every time it's cold or during non-wetsuit swims.  Why do men always have the short end of the stick?  I just wished that women could walk in our shoes for a day to see what we really have to put up with ... but I digress.

Enough with the pleasantries ... on to the business at hand.

Special thanks to Kate Kaufer for pulling all the dudes for the entire 70 miles this past weekend.  The woman is a beast on two wheels.  She's German and she doesn't even draft.  I know ... hell is about to freeze over.  Some of you guys need to man up and do your part of the pull.  I'd do my share, but you all know how much I love to suck wheels.  Besides, I'm doing Ironman Germany this year.  I need to practice my race day strategy.


We almost had a horrific incident this past Sunday during our ride.  I almost became a domestic help to some bubba out in the boonies of Poolsville.  Vietnamese people ... we're pretty good with nails and pedicures but not so much in the domestic help arena.  That's what the Filipinos are for.

Anyway, while climbing a hill in the middle of nowhere, Vietnamese #1 got a flat and all of the sudden the bike Nazis became hard of hearing.  I yelled out for help, but that just made those bastards pedal even harder.  They left me out there for easy pickings for bubbas of the world.  You know a guy with my soft skin and wonderful personality can't survive out there like that.  "Tiny" might want to cuddle with me.  Thank God that a fellow Silver Spring express train rider, John, was there to cover my flank.  He helped me change my tire.  Much appreciated John!  I don't know what nationality you are, but you'd make a fine Filipino.


The Vertical Nation took a straw poll this past weekend.  Apparently we have a lot of wusses on our ride.  They bitch about pulling me and now they bitch that there is a Vietnamese Century this weekend.  To show that I am a man of great compassion, we will sideline the Vietnamese Century for a later date.

This Sunday we go for 80 miles of relentless hills and lots of cursing.  We may even scratch ourselves and spit.  We clip at 8:00 AM.

80 Miler - Darnstown Rail Road Tracks
R Wisconsin Ave (@~0.0)
L Reservoir Rd (@~1.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.7)
R Falls Rd (@~14.6)
L River Rd (@~16.6)
R Travilah Rd (@~21.7)
L Turkey Foot Rd (@~23.9)
  at Turkey Foot and Jones, straight on Jones (@~25)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~26.6)
R Dickerson Rd (@~39.2)
** turn around at the train tracks or gas station on your right hand side.  They are about 100 yards apart(@~40.5).  The train tracks are above you in the form of a bridge (i.e., not at street level)
Dickerson Rd
L Darnestown Rd (@~41.5)
R Beallsville Rd (Rte 109) (@~44)
R Fisher
quick L W.Willard Rd (@~46.4)
L River Rd (@~50.9)
  at Seneca intersection, R to stay on River (Rte 190) (@~56)
R Falls Rd (@~64.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~66.1)
L Reservoir Rd (@~77.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~78.4)
Home Base @80-ish

For the folks in my pace group and recommended for other pace groups:
Stop #1:  Gas station at mile 15
Stop #2:  Gas station at turnaround point (mile 40-ish)
Stop #3:  Gas station #1 above mile (64-ish)
Stop #4:  Base camp
More stops if requested along the way.


The Silver Spring Express train picked up two more passengers this past weekend, but lost one during the ride.  John ... we waited for you at a couple of different locations, but we didn't see you.  Hoped you made it back ok.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM.  The Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek made it all the way out to Poolsville this past weekend.  Those little morsels keeping running out in front of my bike all over the state of Md.  Do they have a death wish or something?  Don't they understand how hungry I become during a long bike ride?

May the wind blow in your face and not mine,

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