Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer - Week 5

Star Date:  Week 5
Hello Tax Cheats,

How's the tax prep going?  Did you donate $100,000 to the local orphanage in Silver Spring like I did?  Did you claim your 30 year old cousin as one of your dependents? It's times like these when I'm glad that I'm Vietnamese.  For us, it's kind of stupid to go through this charade with the feds when paying taxes is optional.  Why make it optional and then turn around and audit us for it?  Makes no sense to me.

Ever wonder why Turbo Tax doesn't have a Vietnamese edition?  Well, let me tell you why. 

  1.  There would be 1 copy sold, but there would be 3 million Vietnamese with copies of it on their hard drives.  Ever heard of Vapster?  It's the Vietnamese version on Napster.  You can get everything on there ... even Vialis (Cialis for Vietnamese)

  2.  If you bring up word "refund" to a Vietnamese govt official, your ass will be dining in the luxury dining hall of the Nha Trang re-education camp.  I keep telling my cousins back in the motherland that it ain't Saigon 1974 anymore.  You can't be making smart ass comments like that in a Viet Cong govt building.  That's like making a light hearted comment to TSA that you're al qaeda.  They got body cavity searches for people like you.

  3.  If you bring up "taxable income" to a Vietnamese, all you get are funny stares and big laughter.  Vietnamese people just have no shame ... but I digress.  I'll just go back to writing stupid emails during billable hours.


Solid ride last week.  Well, solid for the first 30 miles or so until the bike Nazis took over.  I had just finished commenting to myself about what a lovely pace we were doing and then the mother haters took over.  Is everyone on our ride on East German EPO or something?  I was hanging on for dear life those last 50 miles.  I wanted to cry but my great desire to puke overrode that.

Don't you mother haters understand that the Vamboghini shakes and rattles violently if the odometer shows 20 and above?  The more that I ride with you folks, the more I get the feeling that you folks get a great high in trying to drop me.  The last time that I pedaled that fast was when "uncle" Quang asked us back for family night at the re-education camp.  I've got a lot of fat cousins.  We can't be sharing one grain of rice for dinner like the good old days.


Vertical Nation Inc. got mentioned in a blog by a fellow Sunday Bike Ride distro list member.  Whenever someone shouts at us in their blog, we shout back.  Check out Courtney Fulton's blog.  She's a member of the DCTri Elite team who is freakishly fast.  Her greatest fear in life is to have a Vietnamese suck on her wheels for 80 miles.  I am not sure why such a fear exists when you all know real well that that position is filled by Kate Kaufer.

Anyway, check out Courtney's blog.  Not only is she fast, but she's an awesome person.  She might love her mother also ... but I won't throw baseless accusations around.

60 Miles Travilah

This week we take a step back.  After last week's hammerfest, we need to have the feelings below our waist restored.  Those longer rides that we have been doing are more effective than birth control pills.  DISCLAIMER:  I am not on the pill ... they make me bloat and they have a placebo affect on me.

We clip at 8:00 AM from GTown.
R Wisconsin (0.0)
L Resevoir Rd (@~0.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.1)
R Falls Rd (@~12.6)
L River Rd (@~14.7)
R Travilah Rd (@~19.8)
   turn slight R to stay on Travilah at Turkey Foot intersection (@~22)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~25.2)
L Seneca Rd (Rte 112) (@~30.8)
   becomes River Rd (@~33.6)
stay on River Rd. until the Partnership Rd intersection (@35)
River Rd (112)
R on 190 to stay on River Rd (@~36.5)
R Falls Rd (@~44.5)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~46.5)
L Resevoir Rd (@~57.9)
R Wisconsin (@~58.6)
Home base @59.44


The Silver Spring Express train picked up even more passengers last week.  If we continue down this path, there may not be enough squirrels left over for every man, woman, and child.  People will go hungry.  They will bitch, but we don't care.  We're royalty.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

Don't be a mother hater,

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