Thursday, June 30, 2011

Week 16: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 16

Hello Participants of the third annual Ironman Vietnam,

It is the moment that we've been waiting for.  It's Ironman Vietnam weekend.  Get your V-dot tattoo design ready because after this Sunday, you've all earned the right to carry that V-dot tattoo on your butt cheeks.  I know that this may be a bit difficult for all of the single women living in the Ballston/Clarendon/Court House area.  Their asses are already filled with useless tattoos.  There may not be much real-estate left, but I'm not here to judge sinners.

Anyway, for those unfamiliar with the format, Ironman Vietnam is a 0.0 mile wetsuit legal swim, followed by a 112 mile bike ride, followed by a 26.2 meter run.  No crying allowed.  As always, for safety reasons please wear a cup if you are a dude and a chastity belt if you are a chick.  It will be a long day.

Clip time is 7:00 AM in GTown at the corner of M and Wisconsin.


I need some advice from some of the triathletes in our group.  I need advice on Ironman clothing choice.  I'm doing Ironman Germany this year so obviously I will be rocking in a pair of thongs on the bike and on the run.  I want to respect the German culture and not stand out.  I want the classic Euro tan line down my butt crack.

My question is that, have any of you tried to run and bike with a thong outside of your bike/tri shorts?  I would try it during a training ride, but the Washington culture with the way that it is, won't allow it.  The Americans, more specifically the American women, will mock me if I do it on their soil.  They are very judgmental.

Also, anyone knows of a place that I can get one of those male sportsbra that I see Faris Al-Sultan runs with?  I want to immerse myself into the Euro IM scene.


Those of you who know me well, know that swimming is .. ummm ... let's just say I can flap my arms, kick my legs, and be perfectly aligned horizontally with the best of them, but not at the same time and definitely not at the same time in the water.

Last year when I signed up for Ironman Germany, I thought that I had been chicked by God.  You see, Vietnamese #1 signed up for the race without realizing that not only was there a possibility of a non-wetsuit swim, but the 2010 race was indeed a non-wetsuit swim.   Never once did it cross my mind that Germany in the middle of July might kinda sorta be hot.  Well, to steal an old German saying ... "Vivra la vivra!"

I've done nothing but bitch and whine for the past year about the non-wetsuit swim like a woman who bitches and whines about how the five red shoes in front of her doesn't match the one red dress that she has ...  and you know when a woman gets into that frenzy state of mind that you can't just say something innocent like "why don't you wear black? It'll make your ankle look smaller."  Oh, that stare of death can kill a Cambodian water buffalo from 30 feet away.

Anyway, I just found out that past week that the water temp for the swim is 68,0 °F or as we say in the business ... WETSUIT LEGAL!  I hope no one does anything stupid like pee in that lake the day before the race to increase the water temp.  Like I tell all of my triathlete friends, don't be a Vietnamese hater.  Save the peeing for the bike.

Man.  Wow! ... so this is what it feels like to be a born again virgin.


We should have a handful of people going the distance this week.  Let's keep the pace reasonable and contained.  We'll regroup at every major turns to make sure we don't loose anyone.  Please bring the cue sheet with you.  114 miles is a lot.

The cue sheet below is for 114 miles.  There is a small stretch on Whites Ferry Rd at mile marker 72-ish.  The cue sheet says to make a left.  If we make a right and go toward the Potomac River, that out and back stretch should give us about 120 miles.  I'm game if folks are.  It might be nice to go out to the Potomac to take in the scenery before we head back.  It will be a group decision when we get there.
0mi Head north on Wisconsin Ave NW toward Congress Ct NW
0.56mi Turn left onto Reservoir Rd NW
2.18mi Turn left onto MacArthur Blvd
12.76mi Turn right onto Falls Rd
14.72mi Turn left onto River Rd
19.8mi Turn right onto Travilah Rd
25.1mi Turn left onto Darnestown Rd
34.07mi Turn right onto White Ground Rd
38.66mi Turn left onto MD-117 W/MD-121 N/Barnesville Rd
39.78mi Turn right onto Slidell Rd
43.46mi Turn left onto Comus Rd
Continue to follow Comus Rd

47.93mi Continue onto Mt Ephraim Rd
50.31mi Turn right onto MD-28 E/Dickerson Rd
53.98mi Turn left onto MD-28 W/Tuscarora Rd
Continue to follow MD-28 W
Turnaround at Point of Rocks near Rt 15
Head back to Dickersson on 28E (Tuscarora Rd)
62.97mi Head east on MD-28 E/Tuscarora Rd toward Chick Rd
63.42mi Turn right onto MD-28 E/Dickerson Rd
68.27mi Turn right onto Martinsburg Rd
69.57mi Turn left onto Wasche Rd
72.27mi Turn left onto Whites Ferry Rd
72.28mi Whites Ferry Rd becomes Fisher Ave
74.39mi Turn right onto W Willard Rd
78.81mi Turn right onto River Rd
81.13mi River becomes Mt Nebo Rd
82.3mi Turn left to stay on Mt Nebo Rd
82.83mi Turn right onto W Offutt Rd
84.21mi Turn right onto W Willard Rd

86.62mi Turn left onto River Rd
99.76mi Turn right onto Falls Rd
101.72mi Turn left onto MacArthur Blvd
112.42mi Continue onto Reservoir Rd NW
113.91mi Turn right onto Wisconsin Ave NW
114+  Home base


Due to the large mileage this Sunday, the Silver Spring Express Train will not meet at its usual spot.  I will be driving down to GTown to park.  My boys will be numb enough after the ride as is.  There is no need to tease the Gods by adding an extra 16 miles to the ride.

You either love me or you love me more .... the choice is yours,

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