Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer - Week 7

Star Date:  Week 7

Hello Amigos,

I got a Facebook message from one of our bikers from last week.  Alejandro Escabar told me that he lost a testicle during last week's ride.  First of all, you're Columbian.  Get out of the family coco business.  Secondly, that's what happens when you don't SPF your skin during a ride under the sun.  Not sure why he told me that ... it's not like I have an extra one to spare.

Besides, I have my own problems.  When I got home last week, I noticed that I had a rice paddie farmer's tan.  I can no longer wear one of 'em Euro tri kits because of this.  You're damn if you do, you're damn if you don't.


This week is the Columbian Sterilization Project ride.  We will go 4x of the Columbia Tri course.  If you plan on having children, do it before Sunday.  After Sunday, you may be walking like you have an STD.  What the heck am I saying?  You're peasants ... you're a walking STD.

We will meet at 7:00 AM in the parking lot of the Columbia tri.  Let's plan to park and meet as closed to the entrance gate as we can.  This will make it easier for us to refuel after each lap.  My cell number is 301-613-3972.  Use it if you don't see me in the morning.  I will try to be there by 6:45 AM.  It's going to be a long day.  I want to do 4x and have enough time to eat before those NTP savages eat up all of the food meant for Royalty.

The plan is to use a bathroom break after every loop.  We will do a full nutrition refuel after the second loop.  In other words, have enough fluids and nutrition on you for 50 miles.  If you are not man enough to go 4 loops.  Feel free to join us in the morning and do as few loops as you want.

The cue sheet is below.


The Silver Spring Express train willtake a week off to do the Columbia course.  Unfortunately, this will allow the Squirrel Nation to reinforce their defenses ... but what are you going to do?

How do you treat a peasant's tan?  I feel so dirty,


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sunday Bike Ride Week 6

Star Date:  Week 6

Hello Hideous People,

Strong ride last week under blistering wind.  It's a good thing that my ability to streamline behind other cyclists is legendary.  That wind had no chance against a guy with my girlish figure tucked away behind a bunch of cyclists.

Special shoutout to Andrea Fava for making it out to our ride twice in a row.  Must be that time of month again.


The great people at High Cloud Foundation through their partnership with 2XU gave me a very nice free pair of 2XU compression socks.  They wanted me to wear them and write up a review on my blog.  Well, say no more.  Below is my review of the product.  I hope 2XU puts it on their web site.

I put on the 2XU compression socks immediately after our ride this past weekend.  The first thing that I noticed was that, with the socks on, my sperm count went through the roof.  The second thing that I noticed was that I suddenly developed a great urge to douche.  I don't know WTF they put in 'em socks but it can't be UCI legal.  Don't get me wrong.  It helped my recovery tremdously.  However, you know how judgemental American women are.  They won't understand why I have three cases of douche paraphernalia in my home.  They might think I'm Cambodian or something. 

Well, that's the cliff note version of my product review.  If you want the full unedited version, please send me $19.99.


We are taking a slight deviation from our normal route this weekend.  Study the map and don't lead me astray.  I'm too busy sucking wheels in the back to make sure you folks in the front make correct turns.

As a reminder, we clip at 8:00 AM.

0.0   --    Home base
      R   Wisconsin
      L   Resevoir
2.6   BR  MacArthur Blvd
9.6   R   Persimmon Tree Rd
11.7  L   Oaklyn Dr
14.2  R   Falls, 189
15.1  L   (at light) River Rd, 190
23.3  R   (at T)  Seneca Rd, 112
26    L   (at T) Darnestown Rd, 28
29.3  BR   stay on Darnestown Rd, 28 
35    L    Beallsville Rd, 109
                  (becomes Elgin around mile 37)
37.4  R   Fisher Ave/Whitesferry Rd
37.4  QL  (quick left) W. Willard Rd
41.8  L   (at T) River Rd
46.8  R   to stay on River Rd, 190 (at Seneca)
55    R   (at light) Falls
57    L   (at T) MacArthur Blvd
68.8  BL  Resevoir Rd
69.6  R   (at T) Wisconsin


The Silver Spring Express train lost some passengers last week.  Apparently fried squirrel tail Saigon style isn't to their liking.  The way I look at it is that if God doesn't want us to eat squirrel tails, he wouldn't have given squirrel ... tails.  It's just an obvious line of thinking that few can really comprehend.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

I am not awesome.  I'm just a little bit better than you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer - Week 5

Star Date:  Week 5
Hello Tax Cheats,

How's the tax prep going?  Did you donate $100,000 to the local orphanage in Silver Spring like I did?  Did you claim your 30 year old cousin as one of your dependents? It's times like these when I'm glad that I'm Vietnamese.  For us, it's kind of stupid to go through this charade with the feds when paying taxes is optional.  Why make it optional and then turn around and audit us for it?  Makes no sense to me.

Ever wonder why Turbo Tax doesn't have a Vietnamese edition?  Well, let me tell you why. 

  1.  There would be 1 copy sold, but there would be 3 million Vietnamese with copies of it on their hard drives.  Ever heard of Vapster?  It's the Vietnamese version on Napster.  You can get everything on there ... even Vialis (Cialis for Vietnamese)

  2.  If you bring up word "refund" to a Vietnamese govt official, your ass will be dining in the luxury dining hall of the Nha Trang re-education camp.  I keep telling my cousins back in the motherland that it ain't Saigon 1974 anymore.  You can't be making smart ass comments like that in a Viet Cong govt building.  That's like making a light hearted comment to TSA that you're al qaeda.  They got body cavity searches for people like you.

  3.  If you bring up "taxable income" to a Vietnamese, all you get are funny stares and big laughter.  Vietnamese people just have no shame ... but I digress.  I'll just go back to writing stupid emails during billable hours.


Solid ride last week.  Well, solid for the first 30 miles or so until the bike Nazis took over.  I had just finished commenting to myself about what a lovely pace we were doing and then the mother haters took over.  Is everyone on our ride on East German EPO or something?  I was hanging on for dear life those last 50 miles.  I wanted to cry but my great desire to puke overrode that.

Don't you mother haters understand that the Vamboghini shakes and rattles violently if the odometer shows 20 and above?  The more that I ride with you folks, the more I get the feeling that you folks get a great high in trying to drop me.  The last time that I pedaled that fast was when "uncle" Quang asked us back for family night at the re-education camp.  I've got a lot of fat cousins.  We can't be sharing one grain of rice for dinner like the good old days.


Vertical Nation Inc. got mentioned in a blog by a fellow Sunday Bike Ride distro list member.  Whenever someone shouts at us in their blog, we shout back.  Check out Courtney Fulton's blog.  She's a member of the DCTri Elite team who is freakishly fast.  Her greatest fear in life is to have a Vietnamese suck on her wheels for 80 miles.  I am not sure why such a fear exists when you all know real well that that position is filled by Kate Kaufer.

Anyway, check out Courtney's blog.  Not only is she fast, but she's an awesome person.  She might love her mother also ... but I won't throw baseless accusations around.


60 Miles Travilah

This week we take a step back.  After last week's hammerfest, we need to have the feelings below our waist restored.  Those longer rides that we have been doing are more effective than birth control pills.  DISCLAIMER:  I am not on the pill ... they make me bloat and they have a placebo affect on me.

We clip at 8:00 AM from GTown.
R Wisconsin (0.0)
L Resevoir Rd (@~0.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.1)
R Falls Rd (@~12.6)
L River Rd (@~14.7)
R Travilah Rd (@~19.8)
   turn slight R to stay on Travilah at Turkey Foot intersection (@~22)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~25.2)
L Seneca Rd (Rte 112) (@~30.8)
   becomes River Rd (@~33.6)
stay on River Rd. until the Partnership Rd intersection (@35)
River Rd (112)
R on 190 to stay on River Rd (@~36.5)
R Falls Rd (@~44.5)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~46.5)
L Resevoir Rd (@~57.9)
R Wisconsin (@~58.6)
Home base @59.44


The Silver Spring Express train picked up even more passengers last week.  If we continue down this path, there may not be enough squirrels left over for every man, woman, and child.  People will go hungry.  They will bitch, but we don't care.  We're royalty.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM. 

Don't be a mother hater,

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

2011 Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer Week 4

Star Date:  Week 4

Hello Deceitful,

Where was everyone this past Sunday?  The weather dips below 70s and all of a sudden everyone becomes a wuss?  Is it too cold for you to bike in this weather?  Perhaps we bike a bit too early in the morning for you?  Would you like for me to walk into the local Giant supermarket and buy you a box of tampons with extra wide wings?  Don't worry, I'll just walk up and ask the 16 year old store clerk where I can find such an item.

You think I enjoyed spending three hours after every ride trying to thaw out the only good testicle that I have left?  First agent orange, then Jane Fonda, now this?  Why does God hate Vietnamese men?  Seinfeld only told you half of the story.  Those thing(s) not only shrink, but they freeze and take hours to thaw.  Women are so lucky.  All they have to deal with is a few hours of childbirth.  We deal with this stuff every time it's cold or during non-wetsuit swims.  Why do men always have the short end of the stick?  I just wished that women could walk in our shoes for a day to see what we really have to put up with ... but I digress.

Enough with the pleasantries ... on to the business at hand.

Special thanks to Kate Kaufer for pulling all the dudes for the entire 70 miles this past weekend.  The woman is a beast on two wheels.  She's German and she doesn't even draft.  I know ... hell is about to freeze over.  Some of you guys need to man up and do your part of the pull.  I'd do my share, but you all know how much I love to suck wheels.  Besides, I'm doing Ironman Germany this year.  I need to practice my race day strategy.


We almost had a horrific incident this past Sunday during our ride.  I almost became a domestic help to some bubba out in the boonies of Poolsville.  Vietnamese people ... we're pretty good with nails and pedicures but not so much in the domestic help arena.  That's what the Filipinos are for.

Anyway, while climbing a hill in the middle of nowhere, Vietnamese #1 got a flat and all of the sudden the bike Nazis became hard of hearing.  I yelled out for help, but that just made those bastards pedal even harder.  They left me out there for easy pickings for bubbas of the world.  You know a guy with my soft skin and wonderful personality can't survive out there like that.  "Tiny" might want to cuddle with me.  Thank God that a fellow Silver Spring express train rider, John, was there to cover my flank.  He helped me change my tire.  Much appreciated John!  I don't know what nationality you are, but you'd make a fine Filipino.


The Vertical Nation took a straw poll this past weekend.  Apparently we have a lot of wusses on our ride.  They bitch about pulling me and now they bitch that there is a Vietnamese Century this weekend.  To show that I am a man of great compassion, we will sideline the Vietnamese Century for a later date.

This Sunday we go for 80 miles of relentless hills and lots of cursing.  We may even scratch ourselves and spit.  We clip at 8:00 AM.

80 Miler - Darnstown Rail Road Tracks
R Wisconsin Ave (@~0.0)
L Reservoir Rd (@~1.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.7)
R Falls Rd (@~14.6)
L River Rd (@~16.6)
R Travilah Rd (@~21.7)
L Turkey Foot Rd (@~23.9)
  at Turkey Foot and Jones, straight on Jones (@~25)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~26.6)
R Dickerson Rd (@~39.2)
** turn around at the train tracks or gas station on your right hand side.  They are about 100 yards apart(@~40.5).  The train tracks are above you in the form of a bridge (i.e., not at street level)
Dickerson Rd
L Darnestown Rd (@~41.5)
R Beallsville Rd (Rte 109) (@~44)
R Fisher
quick L W.Willard Rd (@~46.4)
L River Rd (@~50.9)
  at Seneca intersection, R to stay on River (Rte 190) (@~56)
R Falls Rd (@~64.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~66.1)
L Reservoir Rd (@~77.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~78.4)
Home Base @80-ish

For the folks in my pace group and recommended for other pace groups:
Stop #1:  Gas station at mile 15
Stop #2:  Gas station at turnaround point (mile 40-ish)
Stop #3:  Gas station #1 above mile (64-ish)
Stop #4:  Base camp
More stops if requested along the way.


The Silver Spring Express train picked up two more passengers this past weekend, but lost one during the ride.  John ... we waited for you at a couple of different locations, but we didn't see you.  Hoped you made it back ok.

We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 7:20 AM with a departure time of 7:25 AM.  The Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek made it all the way out to Poolsville this past weekend.  Those little morsels keeping running out in front of my bike all over the state of Md.  Do they have a death wish or something?  Don't they understand how hungry I become during a long bike ride?

May the wind blow in your face and not mine,