Thursday, June 30, 2011

Week 16: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 16

Hello Participants of the third annual Ironman Vietnam,

It is the moment that we've been waiting for.  It's Ironman Vietnam weekend.  Get your V-dot tattoo design ready because after this Sunday, you've all earned the right to carry that V-dot tattoo on your butt cheeks.  I know that this may be a bit difficult for all of the single women living in the Ballston/Clarendon/Court House area.  Their asses are already filled with useless tattoos.  There may not be much real-estate left, but I'm not here to judge sinners.

Anyway, for those unfamiliar with the format, Ironman Vietnam is a 0.0 mile wetsuit legal swim, followed by a 112 mile bike ride, followed by a 26.2 meter run.  No crying allowed.  As always, for safety reasons please wear a cup if you are a dude and a chastity belt if you are a chick.  It will be a long day.

Clip time is 7:00 AM in GTown at the corner of M and Wisconsin.


I need some advice from some of the triathletes in our group.  I need advice on Ironman clothing choice.  I'm doing Ironman Germany this year so obviously I will be rocking in a pair of thongs on the bike and on the run.  I want to respect the German culture and not stand out.  I want the classic Euro tan line down my butt crack.

My question is that, have any of you tried to run and bike with a thong outside of your bike/tri shorts?  I would try it during a training ride, but the Washington culture with the way that it is, won't allow it.  The Americans, more specifically the American women, will mock me if I do it on their soil.  They are very judgmental.

Also, anyone knows of a place that I can get one of those male sportsbra that I see Faris Al-Sultan runs with?  I want to immerse myself into the Euro IM scene.


Those of you who know me well, know that swimming is .. ummm ... let's just say I can flap my arms, kick my legs, and be perfectly aligned horizontally with the best of them, but not at the same time and definitely not at the same time in the water.

Last year when I signed up for Ironman Germany, I thought that I had been chicked by God.  You see, Vietnamese #1 signed up for the race without realizing that not only was there a possibility of a non-wetsuit swim, but the 2010 race was indeed a non-wetsuit swim.   Never once did it cross my mind that Germany in the middle of July might kinda sorta be hot.  Well, to steal an old German saying ... "Vivra la vivra!"

I've done nothing but bitch and whine for the past year about the non-wetsuit swim like a woman who bitches and whines about how the five red shoes in front of her doesn't match the one red dress that she has ...  and you know when a woman gets into that frenzy state of mind that you can't just say something innocent like "why don't you wear black? It'll make your ankle look smaller."  Oh, that stare of death can kill a Cambodian water buffalo from 30 feet away.

Anyway, I just found out that past week that the water temp for the swim is 68,0 °F or as we say in the business ... WETSUIT LEGAL!  I hope no one does anything stupid like pee in that lake the day before the race to increase the water temp.  Like I tell all of my triathlete friends, don't be a Vietnamese hater.  Save the peeing for the bike.

Man.  Wow! ... so this is what it feels like to be a born again virgin.


We should have a handful of people going the distance this week.  Let's keep the pace reasonable and contained.  We'll regroup at every major turns to make sure we don't loose anyone.  Please bring the cue sheet with you.  114 miles is a lot.

The cue sheet below is for 114 miles.  There is a small stretch on Whites Ferry Rd at mile marker 72-ish.  The cue sheet says to make a left.  If we make a right and go toward the Potomac River, that out and back stretch should give us about 120 miles.  I'm game if folks are.  It might be nice to go out to the Potomac to take in the scenery before we head back.  It will be a group decision when we get there.
0mi Head north on Wisconsin Ave NW toward Congress Ct NW
0.56mi Turn left onto Reservoir Rd NW
2.18mi Turn left onto MacArthur Blvd
12.76mi Turn right onto Falls Rd
14.72mi Turn left onto River Rd
19.8mi Turn right onto Travilah Rd
25.1mi Turn left onto Darnestown Rd
34.07mi Turn right onto White Ground Rd
38.66mi Turn left onto MD-117 W/MD-121 N/Barnesville Rd
39.78mi Turn right onto Slidell Rd
43.46mi Turn left onto Comus Rd
Continue to follow Comus Rd

47.93mi Continue onto Mt Ephraim Rd
50.31mi Turn right onto MD-28 E/Dickerson Rd
53.98mi Turn left onto MD-28 W/Tuscarora Rd
Continue to follow MD-28 W
Turnaround at Point of Rocks near Rt 15
Head back to Dickersson on 28E (Tuscarora Rd)
62.97mi Head east on MD-28 E/Tuscarora Rd toward Chick Rd
63.42mi Turn right onto MD-28 E/Dickerson Rd
68.27mi Turn right onto Martinsburg Rd
69.57mi Turn left onto Wasche Rd
72.27mi Turn left onto Whites Ferry Rd
72.28mi Whites Ferry Rd becomes Fisher Ave
74.39mi Turn right onto W Willard Rd
78.81mi Turn right onto River Rd
81.13mi River becomes Mt Nebo Rd
82.3mi Turn left to stay on Mt Nebo Rd
82.83mi Turn right onto W Offutt Rd
84.21mi Turn right onto W Willard Rd

86.62mi Turn left onto River Rd
99.76mi Turn right onto Falls Rd
101.72mi Turn left onto MacArthur Blvd
112.42mi Continue onto Reservoir Rd NW
113.91mi Turn right onto Wisconsin Ave NW
114+  Home base


Due to the large mileage this Sunday, the Silver Spring Express Train will not meet at its usual spot.  I will be driving down to GTown to park.  My boys will be numb enough after the ride as is.  There is no need to tease the Gods by adding an extra 16 miles to the ride.

You either love me or you love me more .... the choice is yours,

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 15

Hello People who contracted a STD from the Potomac last Sunday,

Did you know that Bristol Palin has a memoir?  It's called "Not Afraid of Life."  It's very insightful ... kind of like when Miley Cyrus wrote her book to give out life advice.  That's what I do during billable hours these days.  I read books and memoirs from teenagers so that I can have a more happy life.  That's what my life has become.  When I left the re-education camp in Da Nang to come to America, this was exactly what I had in mind.  It could be worse.  I could be like one of yous.

I just wished that there were something that I could do at work instead of reading memoirs from people that I want to bitch slap.  Facebooking can only take you so far.  Maybe I should knit during billable hours.  What do you folks do while at work?


Clip time is still at 7:00 AM.  I feel that I need to state this every week since we have a lot of people reading this who went to a SEC school.

80 Miler - Darnstown Rail Road Tracks

R Wisconsin Ave (@~0.0)
L Reservoir Rd (@~1.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~2.7)
R Falls Rd (@~14.6)
L River Rd (@~16.6)
R Travilah Rd (@~21.7)
L Turkey Foot Rd (@~23.9)
  at Turkey Foot and Jones, straight on Jones (@~25)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~26.6)
R Dickerson Rd (@~39.2)
** turn around at the train tracks or gas station on your right hand side.  They are about 100 yards apart(@~40.5).  The train tracks are above you in the form of a bridge (i.e., not at street level)
Dickerson Rd
L Darnestown Rd (@~41.5)
R Beallsville Rd (Rte 109) (@~44)
R Fisher
quick L W.Willard Rd (@~46.4)
L River Rd (@~50.9)
  at Seneca intersection, R to stay on River (Rte 190) (@~56)
R Falls Rd (@~64.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~66.1)
L Reservoir Rd (@~77.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~78.4)
Home Base @80-ish

For the folks in my pace group and recommended for other pace groups:
Stop #1:  Gas station at mile 15
Stop #2:  Gas station at turnaround point (mile 40-ish)
Stop #3:  Gas station #1 above mile (64-ish)
Stop #4:  Base camp
More stops if requested along the way.


The Silver Spring express train will meet 6:20 AM at Picnic Area #10.  We'll clip at 6:25 AM. 

What do you call a triathlete squirrel?  A chipmunk.  That's right ... the war with the Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek has gone verbal.

Not a cat lady,

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Week 14: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 14

Hello People who think the Potomac is clean enough to swim in,

*** As a reminder ... we clip at 7:00 AM this week.  We will clip at 7:00 AM for the rest of the season ***

To those who are doing the DC Triathlon this weekend, I would like to give you one bit of advice ... dip yourselves in vinegar before, during, and after the swim.  To those who thinks that the DC Triathlon should revert to a wave start because you miss the body contact ... swim to the turnaround buoy, turnaround, and swim back to the start ramp.  That should give you plenty of action.


This is a ride report from our little excursion to Skyline Drive last weekend.  It's a very beautiful and scenic ride.  You all should head out there and try it out sometime.  The ride went something like this:  We went up a hill, then another hill, then another hill, then we hit little incline, then a little longer incline, then a bigger incline, then the incline stopped and we hit another hill.

The ride back to base was quite spectacular.  The speed and the turns were a bit nerve wrecking.  It was hang onto your aerobars and hope that you had clean underwear on when the ambulance picks you up.  I was just glad that some dumbass squirrel didn't try to make a political statement by trying to cross the road when we were flying down.


I know that a bunch of peeps are doing IMLP.  I'm planning to have Ironman Vietnam be on July 3rd, which is 3 weeks from IMLP.  I'm open to suggestions.  As of right now, the following are on the table:

  1.  120 mile route starting from GTown

  2.  100+-ish route starting from Gtown.  Those who want to go further can meet the Silver Spring Express train at picnic area #10 in Rock Creek.  It's a 16 miles round trip to Gtown so it'll be around 120-ish when it's all said and done

  3.  Getting out of the area and doing something different.  Give me suggestions on route.

  4.  Two 60 mile loops starting from GTown.

If you want to do IM Vietnam with me, regardless if you are planning to do IMLP or not, drop me an email and let me know your preference since you will most likely be pulling me for 120 miles :)


70 Miles - South Glenn
R Wisconsin (0.0)
L Resevoir Rd (@~0.5)
R MacArthur Blvd (@~1.5)
R Falls Rd (Rte 189) (@~12.6)
L S. Glen (@~15.4)
R Glen Mill Rd (@~17.1)
  R to stay on Glen Mill Rd at T(@~18.9)
  R to stay on Glen Mill Rd at T(@~19.8)
L Darnestown Rd. (Rte 28) (@~21.1)
L Beallsville Rd. (Rte 109) (@~36.3)
  becomes Elgin
R Fisher Ave (Rte 107) (@~38.7)
quick L W. Willard Rd.
L River Rd (@~43.2)
  R to stay on River (Rte 190) at Seneca (@~48.2)
R Falls Rd (@~56.1)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~58.3)
L Resevoir Rd (@~69.5)
R Wisconsin Ave (@~70.4)


The Silver Spring Express Train is back to Rock Creek this week.  The war with the Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek continues.  We won't rest until we eat every single one of them.  We will restore honor to Vietnamese people everywhere.

The Silver Spring express train will meet 6:20 AM at Picnic Area #10.  We'll clip at 6:25 AM.

Will not be swimming in the Mekong of the West (Potomac) this weekend,

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Week 13: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 13

Hello Supporters of Rep. Anthony Weiner,

You guys want to get together and share text messages?  I hear that that's the rage in Congress these days.  I sent him a text message with my bike porn the other day.  He replied with ... hmm, let's just say not bike porn.  There is much about the American culture that I still don't understand.

Anyway, special thanks to Ben Krasney for pulling Vietnamese #1 for 90+ miles last week.  Poor guy.  He shows up once a month for our ride and once a month he gets a Vietnamese sucking on his wheels like a stripper on a dollar bill.  There is much that you Americans need to understand about Vietnamese culture.


Last week the Vietnamese Century ride almost turned into a legit century ride.  Do you understand the ramifications of that?  That's how Vietnamese dudes loose our virginity.  We can't let that happen again.  We're not SWFs from the Ballston/Clearandon/Court House area.  We don't have 10 virginities to loose.

This week we will break the hold of Poolsville by going to Skyline Drive for our ride.  It will be a simple 60 miler.  We will ride, eat, and be merry.  Don't be a Vietnamese hater.  Come out and do the ride with us.


The below info was blatantly stolen from Adam Stolz without permission, consent, or knowledge.

Plan is to meet at Spelunkers,, in Front Royal.  Clip time is 7:00-ish AM.  Park in the back and on the side street so we don't take up all their parking but there's plenty of spots.  My cell number is 301-613-3972.  If you are planning to come to the ride, give me a call if you don't see me in the morning.  Please drop me an email to let me know if you are coming.  That way, we'll look for you in the morning.

No matter if you're fast or slow, it's an out-and-back so no chance of getting lost or losing people for the most part.  We will head toward Thorton Gap (~62 mi total, bathrooms, water fountains).  Details including elevation profile,, click on Northern Section, bottom right, for more info.

If you want to do a carvan or carpool let me know.  Kim Goldman will be going to the ride from the Court House area.  I will be going to the ride from Silver Spring.


The Silver Spring Express Train will not be hanging around Rock Creek this week.  It's too damn hot to be BBQing squirrels.  It won't be too damn hot next week though.

A Vietnamese with panache,

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Here is bike that was stolen from one of our Sunday Ride folks.  If you see it, please let me know

Week 12: Sunday Bike Ride with the Vertical Swimmer

Star Date:  Week 12

Hello People who are a Big Mac away from a heart attack,

How about his Saigon winter weather we've been having ha?  I had to ask my grandmother to go up in the attic to retrieve my sweater the other day.  Oh, she bitch a little bit, but like I told her ... the future King of Saigon can't be doing manual labor.

To celebrate the arrival of the Saigon winter season, we are going to have our infamous Vietnamese Century this Sunday ... 89 miles.  Why go 100 when you can go 89?  I know a lot of you Type-A folks will not be able to grasp that concept, but that's ok.  I'm sure your mother still loves you even though society hates you.

We have a few new people joining the distro list this week.  This is also our longest ride of the season so far ... and that's not a dig against all of Satin's little children who skipped out on the 4th loop of the Columbia ride with me.  I just want to emphasize that our ride is a drop ride.  Everyone rides at different speed and although we do try to wait at a variety of spots, you are expected to carry a cue sheet in case you get seperated.  I get dropped every week so it's not anything personal.  If you are faster, ride faster.  If you are slower, ride slower.  This is not a kumbya ride.


We are meeting at 7:00 AM this week.  I know that many of you went to a state college or university, so let me repeat ... that's 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM 7:00 AM. 

89 Miles - Sugarloaf
R Wisconsin
L Reservoir Rd
R MacArthur Blvd
R Falls Rd (@~13.5)
L River Rd (@~15.5)
R Travilah Rd (@~20.7)
L Turkey Foot (@~23)
(stay straight onto Jones Ln at Turkey Foot turn) (@~24)
L Darnestown Rd (Rte 28) (@~25.6)
R White Ground Rd (Rte 121) (@~31)
quick R Clopper
quick L Clarksburg
L Barnesville Rd (Rte 117)(@~36)
R Slidell Rd (@~37.1)
L Comus Rd (Rte 95)(@~40.75)
L on Sugar Mountain Rd (Rte 95) (@~44.6)
(becomes Mt. Ephraim)
L Barnesville Rd (@~46.7)
R Beallsville Rd (Rte 109)(@~48.8)
(becomes Elgin)
R Fisher (107)(@~55)
quick L W. Willard
L River Rd (@~59.5)
(at Seneca intersection, turn R to stay on River (Rte 190))
R Falls Rd (@~73)
L MacArthur Blvd (@~75.1)
L Reservoir Rd (@~86.5)
R Wisconsin (@~88)
Home base @89


The Silver Spring Express Train will be screwing with the Squirrel Nation of Rock Creek this week.  We will meet an hour earlier.  Those bastards are going to think it's daylight savings time gone amuck.  I'd love to see the expressions on their faces when I show up during their nut gathering hour.
We will meet at picnic area #10 on Beach Drive at 6:20 AM with a departure time of 6:25 AM. 

You're not ugly, I'm just beautiful